Sunday, 30 October 2011

Stupormarket Sweep

'Tossco - very little help!' - public domain.
Tossco - very little help! - public domain.

Some pious Sunday thoughts, for the Dean and Chapter of my local consumerist cathedral:

1) The customer tannoy is for informing us when you are about to close, or have set fire to your bakery again, or other matters of urgency. It is not for spamming all and sundry with the praises of your latest fancy mobile phone contract. You used to understand this better. Nor, if you persist on breaking into conversation or concentration in this manner, will it induce me to buy crap on autopilot with my brain out of circuit. It will induce me to bugger off!

2) Sharp invisible bits of plastic are even more unwelcome on the packaging of fresh meat than they are under other circumstances.

3) Nobody in the world eats 'meal solutions', except possibly those members of your marketing department who barfed up this dronespeak over your customers under the inspiration of one too many liquid lunches. What are we then, cully - 'consumer problems'? Cease and desist from this twin offence against the people and the language of old England, lest raging mobs be moved to pro-actively roll out a you-oriented kick up the arse solution toot sweet!

Thank you for your attention. We are passionate about improving your merchant service experience, and value your whatever. To hear this message again and again everywhere, just keep right on the way you're going!


  1. That brightened my evening. :-)

  2. Most welcome. As the great Kylie Minogue has very nearly noted, you've got to turn it, turn it, turn into laugh...


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