According to figures just released by CAVIAR*, in 2010 I single-handedly exceeded my recommended daily quota of Katherine-related verbal products by 13,245.83%. Since I always take notice of advice dispensed by completely independent and genuine charities, I am devoting my 2011 resolutions to an urgent Cat reduction programme. Previous studies by CAVIAR have linked Cat to morbid obesity, hippophily, gout, and failure to win the Hugo! I must act now, before any of these awful fates overtake me.
With this in mind, here are my resolutions for a low-KKI** 2011:
1) Finish Three Katherines of Allingdale. And revise it. And submit it. And send Kate, Kit, and Katy on their merry way!
2) Leave Nine Catrins in Llareggub on the back burner a bit longer.
3) & 4) Refrain from seducing the future Queen of England in the back of my new Jaguar - which, in order to avoid the occasion of sin, I shall also resist buying.
5) Renounce abstaining from Catherynne M Valente novels.
6) Refuse point-blank to ghost-write any book words for the Celebrity Formerly Known As Jordan's next three naughtobiographies, regardless of any riches beyond the dreams of avarice which I may be offered for this service, unless there are really quite a lot of them.
7) Manfully suppress Lyre Lyre!, my sizzling screenplay set in an alt-historical Hollywood, where Audrey Hepburn's free-spirited Atthis comes fatefully between Lauren Bacall's hard-boiled Sappho and Katherine Hepburn's screwball Andromeda, and the Hays Code doesn't stand a chance. It would only be misunderstood anyway.
8) On a related note, boycott any new k d lang albums which she can't be bothered to release, or which I otherwise cannot get.
9) Purchase only CAVIAR-approved linear fireworks for this year's Feast of St Guido.
10) That is quite enough Katelessness for one year, methinks. Must sign off now - have to write my seasonal thank-you letter to Cousin Kitty.
*Catherine Addiction Vigil - I'm Appropriate Regulator!
** Catherinicity is properly measured on the "Kit-Kat Index" scale. The Bush scale is now deprecated, due to time-variation and availability issues with its Standard Catherine, and also to practically no bugger's being able to hit the high notes.
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