Monday, 8 November 2010

He Jumped From Koshtra Belorn's Peak Without a Feather Fall

I've been distinctly dyspectic and wakeful this past weekend. In consequence, my progress with what is supposed to be a powerful, scary, and romantic scene in the novel has been... not great. On the other hand, stuff like this is sliding out of my system as if my darling Muse had just administered me a great big plate of fig rolls...

The Tragical History of Wally the Wizard

or,

He Jumped From Koshtra Belorn's Peak Without a Feather Fall,

to the tune of Battle Hymn of the Republic

with apologies to generations of campfire-singers everywhere.




Now Wally was a wizard of the second-ratey kind.
He couldn’t score with Tailor-Tash, and tried to charm her blind,
But Tash the Shears resisted - what she did then, never mind,
But he ain’t gonna charm no more!

Wally, Wally, what a wizard!
Wally, Wally, what a wizard!
Tailor-Tash, she docked yer lizard,
And you ain’t gonna score no more!


He conjured up an ifrit from the City made of Brass
To take a fearful vengeance on the ticked-off tailor lass.
The ifrit broke his magic wand and rammed it up his ass,
And he ain't gonna rant no more!

Wally, Wally, consternation!
Wally, Wally, consternation!
Ifrit give yer constipation,
And you ain't gonna call no more!


He prenticed with a ghoul to learn the necromancer's art
Till he could haunt young Tailor-Tash, and freeze her fiery heart.
The ghoul gnawed both his legs off, boys, which jinxed it from the start,
And he ain’t gonna stalk no more!

Wally, Wally, got the wind up?
Wally, Wally, got the wind up?
Ghoul is chewing both yer shins up,
And you ain't gonna stalk no more!


He died and out of peevishness he rose a dwimmerlaik,
And studied spells six hundred years, the maiden’s soul to take,
Till Tash looked down from heaven - sniggered, "Pass the angel cake,
'Cos I can't bloody take no more!"

Wally, Wally, fell and frightening!
Wally, Wally, fell and frightening!
Saint just struck yer down with lightning,
And you ain’t gonna rise no more!

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