Thursday, 31 December 2009

My New Year's Irresolutions

I don't, as the saying goes, hold much water with New Year resolutions. Either Our Hero lacks the willpower to carry them through - in which case he is just setting himself up for failure - or he has it, in which case why was he waiting for the New Year anyway? Such, at least, was my experience, in the dim and distant past when there were still facets of my personality yet to be polished to perfection.

Instead, I have a custom of ending the year with a series of Irresolutions which would be kind of neat to carry through, should the whim happen to take me. As the new decade approaches, hotfoot as an athlete with trainers soaked in tabasco, here follows my personal decade of desire for the first year of it.

  1. I will pull out of my ear the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, the wisdom to know the difference, and the imagination to cheat until everything has been reassigned to my preferred category.
  2. I will resist the urge to change my name by deed poll to 'None of the Above' in order to triumph at the forthcoming General Election.
  3. At some point I will stop procrastinating.
  4. I will not ask my Muse to get mixed up with anything involving: cream buns; attempts to satirize the unsatirizable; any stardrive prominently advertised in New Scientist; multiple cantos of epic doggerel; Rachel Weisz in a rubber penguin suit; singing lampreys; Camilla Kinnison; Marty Stu; ten thousand years of meticulously worked-out backstory; or any magic system that requires the book to ship with a reference CD in order to make sense of the plot.
  5. Unless I really, really want to.
  6. I will not read any political matter at any time after my evening meal, unless I propose to do something concrete about it immediately.
  7. I shall introduce my bum to the seat of my computer chair at an early stage, and do all in my power to ensure that they become tolerably good friends.
  8. Fewer than one-third of the meals which I cook from scratch will be chilli con carne.
  9. In case by the year's end I have still not stopped procrastinating, I shall put it right onto the To Do list for 2011.
  10. I will not get arrested by accident.
  11. I will further my already advanced mathematical education.

And, finally, I will wish a very happy and prosperous New Year to my adoring public. And to the rest of my public.



  1. I live in Texas now and yet I have never cooked chili con carne. Perhaps I should do something about that.

  2. Well, living in London, if I want decent chili - or even, as per Brit usage, chilli - I pretty much have to cook it myself. I imagine that Texas may offer a few more opportunities in this regard?

    I reckon that my dear old hatchet-swingin' mother's recipe may be considered felonious in Texas, since it includes kidney beans, tomatoes, onions, green peppers, and Worcester sauce. If the thought does not appall, and you're willing to risk the wrath of the Chili Police, I've obtained clearance to pass it on...


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