Monday, 21 September 2009

Ring in the New Order!

In the world of iPhone applications - which don't much concern me personally, except as a reason to giggle or stick my head in a big bucket - it is pretty difficult even to make the Stupidity Top Hundred. I mean, we're talking here about competition like Hold the Button and Pour1out: no fight for the faint-hearted. But England's very own Noel Edmonds appears to have come through with a real winnah!

Yes, it's that man again. Not content with bringing the world the colour-out-of-space pullover, discovering singing amoeboid superstar Mr Blobby, and standing up to be counted against the evil cake-pushing zwilniks who threaten the very foundations of our Civilization, this genius has been much concerned of recent years with spreading the secret of his success around. He modestly confesses to owing all to his remarkable 'philosophy' of Cosmic Ordering. As he sums it up:


'The cosmos exists solely to help those who want to help themselves. It is an incredibly powerful force and a wonderful friend.'

So if you want something and it is proving hard to get, you put in an order with your old mate the cosmos for some, and cor blimey bingo Mary Poppins, there it is! Which is nice. But as the state of the world may suggest, it hasn't in every case been delivering the goods. In the light of this, and possibly connecting it with the deteriorating state of the present UK postal service, the Dancing Wu Li Master of Crinkley Bottom has finally figured out how to make 'the power of Cosmic Ordering instantly available to everyone'.

You submit your dreams and ambitions to the cosmos on your iPhone, and record the Infinite's response.

What a snip, at £1.20 for an app which as good as has the Cosmic All's private telephone number encapsulated in it! Personally, if I were the Cosmic All, I'd be thinking about contacting the Telephone Preference Service around this point, but that is just me being a bastard as usual.

Then again, my mate Randy has an alternative theory about the cosmos's true relationship to human hopes and desires, and maybe you want to be careful about mysterious bearded strangers handing out transcendental sweeties, at that. Especially when they are associated with colours out of space, ineffably blasphemous amoeba men, and appeals to Powers unknown to bear you to the heart of your dreams.

Mind how you go, OK IƤ!?

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