Tuesday, 2 June 2009

An Unhelpful Guide to the European Elections

Yes, I am going to do the dirty deed. I shall be voting in the European Parliament elections on Thursday - not because I think the political institutions of the European Union have much more legitimacy than Honest Ernie's Used Cars of Repute, but because there are so many reeking bastards standing whose chances I am anxious to dish as resoundingly as possible. My excuse for this anti-social attitude is, like Strasbourgland, divided into three parts, viz:

1) The additional credibility to the Eurocracy from a vote, especially of a kind that gives them no love, is minimal; and

2) The additional benefits to any given They Saved Hitler's Brain Party from a seat in the Parliament and a sleeper on the gravy train are unhappily substantial; and

3) None of the Above has come down with swine flu and is not standing. Curses!

What I have not yet decided is which beggar to vote for, though I have a pretty good idea of who are the non-runners. Sensible of my great political influence and the responsibility this carries with it, I have decided to provide my constituency with my partial and potted interpretations of all the party platforms with which I, as a Londoner, have been regaled. These given, you, dear Reader, shall be the judge!

  • Conservative: We are the people who own the country.

  • Labour: The People own the country! We are the People.

  • Socialist Labour: The People own the country! King Arthur is the People.

  • Socialist Party of Great Britain: We are the people who own a lot of awards for singing along to John Lennon’s Imagine at the pub karaoke.

  • Liberal Democrats: The people own the country - which we will selflessly administer in their best interests.

  • Green Party: The country owns itself. We are its debt-collectors.

  • British National Party: The Country owns the people. Wir sind das Reich!

  • Christian People’s Alliance: Jesus owns the country. Give us a tithe, then!

  • English Democratic Party: Everybody owns a country but us*. Give us* England, then!

  • Jury Team: Let’s shoot craps! The winners own the country.

  • United Kingdom Independence Party: Europe owns the country, and it mustn’t! We are ready to take this heavy burden upon our shoulders.

  • No2EU Yes To Democracy: The European Union owns the countries, but the Labour Unions ought to.

  • Pro-Democracy: Libertas.eu: Step 1: We disown the Lisbon Treaty. Step 2: ?. Step 3: People elect us!

* Note the neat dealing of the second ‘us’ from the bottom of the deck, there. What a statesman the world has lost in me!

I hope that this little survey has been as constructive a contribution to our democratic process as I intended. Thank you and goodnight!

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