Thursday, 30 April 2009

Peace Poor

The moment I get home today, what is the first thing I do, but slip up on the lavishly produced and cellophane-shrouded magazine that my beloved local Council has insinuated through my door? The prime excuse for this particular issue, if I am to believe its headlines, is to tell my bottom all about how our gallant representatives are Winning the War on Graffiti. There is clearly a suspicion at the Town Hall, and I deem it a just one, that the rest of us may have failed to notice.

So arrives the latest addition to that already crowded roll of honour which includes the War on Drugs, the War on Terror, the War on Poverty, the War on Smoking, the War on Obesity, and of course the still inchoate but never-sufficiently-to-be-dreaded War on Chocolate - all fittingly brought to you via the War on Language, and munificently funded by the War on My Wallet. Hoo bloody rah!

In the spirit of these cost-cutting but martial times, I should like to propose a War on War-Toss - a phrase slightly minced for the purposes of this elegant and family-friendly blog, but conveying its sense well enough. War-Toss is hereby defined as any talk of War in which the other side is not, in fact, the kind of thing that can shoot back. The War on Terror might get away with a loss of omnipresence and a little light rebranding: the War on Chocolate, and this is important, must be mown down without hesitation or mercy.

As to Winning the War on Graffiti, I hear that a gentleman named Big Bo 69 has already posted his rebuttal in the general vicinity of the High Street.

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